Ramblings of an Appalachian Transman

It looks to me as though this blog is dead in the water and I'm considering removing it entirely. No doubt it's in an archive somewhere, everything that goes online ends up archived, and it can be brought up again. I've said these things, and I really don't mind. I've had some less than stellar moments here trying to figure parts of myself out.  I really want to do music. I keep trying to put it down because I recognize it is a pipe dream. I just cannot figure out how to make any money with my music. And yes money is important, I would love to just create for fun, but what I want is to make money doing what I love with the skills I've acquired. I really haven't got specialized knowledge in any other area. I have set myself up for either success or an abysmal failure. I think the fear of the latter has been driving me crazy.  "Don't fear failure. In great attempts, it is glorious even to fail." - Bruce Lee.  I have to force myself through

You are absolutely right my bigoted friend. We can't. I know, I know what you meant. You think that we choose to change gender. That couldn't be further from the truth though. What we do as transgender individuals is attempt to become who we really are. That takes years of hormones and multiple surgeries. We aren't trying to be something we're not, which is not something I can say for the majority of people so I can see where you'd get confused.  We can choose our style of dress, we can even choose our religious beliefs and affiliations. We can also choose to be assholes or we can choose to attempt to understand people who are different from us. I never made a choice in being a male and when my choices are making my body agree with my brain or die, I don't consider that a choice. In this instance, the body is much more malleable than the brain. The working theory is that transgender individuals such as myself receive the hormones for a baby of the opposite gen

Have you ever heard the saying, "Assume and make an ass out of you and me." I hadn't heard it until an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It totally makes sense though. When we assume something about someone based on a group they find themselves to be a part of it makes us an ass, and it makes an ass out of them because they have to put you in your place if they're not going to play doormat.  The biggest way to get on my bad side is to assume that just because I'm transgender that I should be offended or afraid of something. I hate when people project their fears and assumptions onto me based on something that I see to be a minor part of my identity. Not only is it minor, but it's in my past so I don't really think much about it.  Being trans has its own load of shit and that load of shit really depends on the individual. If you've met one trans person, you've met one trans person. Don't think that any one trans person speaks for all t

It hurts, and I'm confused. I scroll through Facebook. I see a lot of posts, and I see other friends with comments on their posts and interaction taking place. Then I look at what I've shared for the day and in my mind, I hear the sound of crickets. In my mind's eye, I see a room full of people, talking and smiling. I see myself attempting to interact, attempting to be seen, and attempting to feel like my friends care. I'm disappointed.  At the same time, I'm very grateful for the few who do interact. I've kept my list small because I'd rather have a few quarters than a million pennies. Maybe I need to sift through some pennies and find my quarters. I would like to have more people in my life. I don't think more people means that others will mean less to me. I think it would help me to not pressure the few that I do have to be more involved in my life.  Everyone chooses their own involvement in my life. I've got one friend in particular, whom I w

If I quit attempting to communicate, I'm fairly certain people would just forget about me. My life feels so one sided, and I don't know that I can trust my brain, but it feels like if I didn't reach out and attempt to communicate that I would just be forgotten.  With extremely few exceptions, I have to be the first to interact with friends. And even then I get the feeling that they wish I would just stop commenting on their shallow meme's. I get the feeling that everyone else is content with just sharing a meme then not having a conversation surrounding that meme.  If I didn't have online communication, I'd have hardly any communication at all. I was told by a therapist that I needed to not isolate myself. At this point, I don't feel like I'm isolating myself. I try to communicate, and I just feel like everyone wishes I would just go away. I'm annoying, with my thoughts and attempts to interact. With my songs that nobody likes but me.  I don

I awoke this morning to the devastating news that Chris Cornell, lead singer of Soundgarden committed suicide. Chris has played a role in my life since the early nineties. There are no words to describe really what I'm feeling at the moment. It's all too surreal.  Depression doesn't care who you are, how much you have in the bank, how much those around you love you. Depression is the worst thing imaginable. Depression is knowing rationally that others love and care about you, but not being able to feel their love yourself. It is a disconnect between what you know to be true and what you feel to be true. It steals your ability to appreciate things and to feel grateful. It lies to you.  We can try to explain away depression a thousand ways but all of that would be bullshit. At the end of the day, there are no reasons to be depressed. It's just depression, it is what it is and people who have never dealt with it cannot understand. It's not just feeling sad. In i

In a perfect world, I could function properly. I wouldn't have everyone around me telling me that I'm not a man, and I wouldn't have those echoes in my brain. In a perfect world, people would just accept me for who I tell them I am.  In a perfect world, people would trust each other, especially when it came to matters of their own identities. In a perfect world, we wouldn't mock each other for being who we truly are. In a perfect world, we could celebrate these things.  In a perfect world, social pressures wouldn't drive me to suicidal thoughts. In a perfect world, we would realize that everyone has their own path and people are more like cats than cattle. In a perfect world, we would see more hugging on the news than people being blown up.  In a perfect world, kids with Williams Syndrome wouldn't have to be taught to be wary of strangers. We wouldn't have to teach the life lesson of mistrusting others. In a perfect world, you wouldn't need money t

I've been seeing a lot of people saying they're "triggered" when in actuality, they have no idea what that word means. If something upsets you, it's not "triggering" you, it's simply upsetting you, learn to deal with your emotions and quit trying to police everyone else.  A true trigger is something that brings someone to their knees in a full on panic or anxiety attack. It is an involuntary response to a stimulus that cannot be controlled without help from a psychiatric professional. It is not something that merely offends you.  To continue using this word as for offenses taken rather than it's actual meaning is doing a disservice to people who truly do have a trigger and are trying to raise awareness to the fact that sometimes people have odd triggers.  I have my own triggers, I have a few that I've identified. I don't look to everyone else to tailor themselves for my comfort still. If they are a close friend, then they will

So in my search to try and figure out what is up with my brain. I stumbled upon a rare genetic condition called Williams Syndrome. I don't have it, it's a clear cut case either you have the gene deletion or you don't. I do share a lot of personality traits with people who have this genetic issue.  Williams Syndrome people are extremely compassionate and affectionate. They have to be reminded that not everyone is a friend. Internet safety is a big deal right now in the Williams community because these kids are entirely trusting.  Individuals with Williams share a love of music. I'm a complete audiophile. I could totally sit down and play music with these kids and have a great time. A lot of them are musically gifted and play instruments or sing.  The worst part about Williams Syndrome is that kids with Williams have physical health complications that range in severity. Some live near normal lives, others have problems with their organs. The most common is cardiovas

Today I read an article about how school lunch programs here in the United States are singling out children who come from lower socioeconomic tiers. Children who can't pay for their lunches are being called out in front of other students, being forced to work to pay off debts that their parents can't pay.  WHAT FUCKING WORLD AM I LIVING IN?!?!?!?!?! Can someone please answer me how anyone can say with a straight face that we aren't waging a class warfare? We are still in feudal times, we are not some advanced civilization, we still have a lot of work to do. We are barely civilized.  No child should be expected to work to pay for their lunches. Kids should just get to fucking eat! Adults should be fucking intelligent enough to realize that kids are extremely sensitive to differences and none of them want to be singled out as less than their peers. Having a monetary economy is inherently classist, this cannot be fixed, but its effects can be diminished while we try to fix

Today is Transgender Day of Visibility in honor of that I'd like to share my story. So go grab a cup of tea and settle into your bus seat, or your comfy chair at home. This is a synopsis of what I've seen as a transgender person who grew up in small town KY, at the foot of the Appalachian mountains.  I was born in Jellico, TN in February of nineteen eighty-four. The doctor slapped me on the ass and declared me a bouncing baby girl. I promptly let him know what I thought of that, and peed on him. I've kept this attitude about me every since, you're entitled to your opinion and I to mine, we don't have to agree, and you're not entitled to my respect either. Respect is something that must be earned, as is trust.  I've always done my best to present as male, even while everyone around me insisted that I was female. Even before I had a word for it, I knew I had something different about me. When I found out about the physical differences between boys and

When I was a little boy, my kindergarten teacher wrote on one of my report cards, "Unusually Compassionate". She probably doesn't realize just how much those two words have changed my life. My teacher got this idea because when any of the kids hurt themselves on the playground, I was the kid who ran to the teachers and asked for the first aid kit. I bandaged other people's wounds.  In recent years, I've noticed an uptick in how much I hear the word compassion being used. This brings me joy, but it is also troubling because I think people are forgetting to also have balance. I've thought a lot about what it means to be compassionate, and I'll continue to do so because in doing so I know that I'm growing in the right direction.  The conclusions I've come to about compassion are these: Our compassion is incomplete if it does not extend to ourselves.  By that I mean we need to learn to be wisely selfish. If we aren't taking care of oursel

For the first ten years of my transition, I didn't seek out other trans people. I didn't seek out any type of support. I just talked with my therapist and worked on becoming more comfortable with myself and the welcome, but awkward changes I was going through. I was afraid that by reaching out, I would just find another group of people that wouldn't be able to love me for me, and I didn't care to go there.  I regret to inform you that I was absolutely right in being afraid of just that. About five years ago, I started trying to engage other transpeople. I have made a few friends with other guys like me, but just like when I was interacting with only the cis community, I have found that I generally don't fit in. I am thankful for the few friends I've made who are like me. I would like to find more, but I have realized that I'm not alone so I don't need to seek out like minds anymore. In fact, I don't want to.  I can see the harm this compartmentaliz

So I'm going to start doing this thing. Every now and again, I'm going to put the spotlight on people around me. If they're okay with that. And if they're not okay with it, I'll just give them a fake name because I feel like everyone who is doing good needs to have the spotlight put on them every now and again.  I want to start off doing what I feel is right. At the core of my being, I feel like if we're asking for others to bring awareness to what we're doing, then we need to be willing to do the same for them.  My friend Randy is a great guy. I met Randy through a Facebook group for transgender individuals. We added each other to our friend's list and the rest is history so to speak. Randy is one of the major reasons why I stay on Facebook, and why I can't completely dismiss it as a viable means of communication. I've never met him face to face, we've only ever spoken online. It's not going to stay that way forever, we'll ev

Hey Kiddos, Gather 'round and listen to Tranpa Julius for a moment. I've been seeing a lot of stuff that isn't making me happy and it really hurts my heart. So give this old guy a moment to lay some wisdom out for you. First, I know you have probably heard the word Tranpa used in a derogatory fashion directed at Caitlyn Jenner. The people doing that though are ignorant of the real meaning of what a Tranpa is. A Tranpa or a Tranma is someone who has been in transition for at least 12 years. At least that's my definition. Basically, looking around at all you young whipper snappers, I'm inclined to yell at you to "Get off my lawn!", but that's not the legacy I want to leave behind. Anger gets you nowhere but burned. Just so you know, you can be fifty and if you're just starting transition, you fall into that young whipper snapper category. The genders are treated differently in our society as we all know, and until you've been living most of y

I've noticed something that makes me different from others; and causes me a great deal of suffering. I hang onto things people say they'll do. If someone tells me they're going to do something. I expect them to follow through. I get really hurt when they don't. I know I've let other people down, so it's hard to get mad at them, but it still hurts.  When someone says they'll do something for me, and then it slips their mind. It sends the message to me that I'm not important to them . I think I'm a pretty good person, it's finally starting to sink in, I've had a couple people beating this into my skull for a bit now. It has been greatly needed, it's only just starting to sink in. Good people, in my mind, are the ones we shouldn't forget.  I don't understand, why people just forget to do things they tell me they'll do. Not just friends but people I've worked with, etc. I don't know how to confront people with it. I don

For what feels like my entire life I had this problem. You see, I've watched other people a lot. I've noticed for the most part if an argument breaks out people will pretty much equally divide themselves amongst friends until they get it sorted out. When I get into arguments with people though I'm the one who gets ganged up on. My "friends" have never been the type to stand up and say something to help me out. No, my friends get silent and they tend to stay out of it while the other person's friends gang up on me.  I don't know why this occurs. Do I come off as, not needing their help? Or not wanting their help? I know that I can't have been on the wrong side of arguments my entire life. But then maybe I have been because, I grew up in Appalachia where if you're not a straight, white, Christian conservative you don't get much respect. So maybe, I've just never had real friends. Or maybe my friends were more afraid to speak out than I was.

Life is a funny thing. It's like a puzzle without a box and we've no clue where the pieces go, we just have to figure ways to make them fit. If we're lucky we'll be able to make a beautiful picture.  I use to hold onto my anger. Unable to let go, but slowly I'm finding some semblance of peace. I was raised to believe that everyone around me was bad for one reason or another. I mean, a certain person in my life has hardly a good word about anyone, including me.  I generally don't like this town I live in, but I'm starting to believe that it's because I've been conditioned to hate it. Yeah, a good deal of people here are willfully ignorant, but there are over five thousand people in this little town.  I honestly don't think I've given this place a fair shake. It's not entirely my fault, though; I was bullied. I was bullied hard. That was high school, though. People grow up, I've grown up. I've changed. Quite a bit, and since m

For the past what feels like forever we've had a political divide in this country of epic proportions. I'm tired of it. Really tired. We've got the left who believes they're fighting for peace. We've all heard the saying though that fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. It is absolutely that counter-productive. We've got the right thinking they're fighting for their freedoms that the left are trying to take away.  We aren't talking to each other. I feel like a child in a broken home when it comes to this country. I'm not proud of either side. I'm not proud of how we've been behaving, myself included. So I'm going to start doing my best to quit behaving in ways that I've learned are detrimental to a cohesive populace.  "United we stand, divided we fall"  Remember. Together we are strong. Our government officials, along with the talking heads on either side of the aisle, are responsible for creating this di