I'm tired of feeling this way.
If I quit attempting to communicate, I'm fairly certain people would just forget about me. My life feels so one sided, and I don't know that I can trust my brain, but it feels like if I didn't reach out and attempt to communicate that I would just be forgotten.
With extremely few exceptions, I have to be the first to interact with friends. And even then I get the feeling that they wish I would just stop commenting on their shallow meme's. I get the feeling that everyone else is content with just sharing a meme then not having a conversation surrounding that meme.
If I didn't have online communication, I'd have hardly any communication at all. I was told by a therapist that I needed to not isolate myself. At this point, I don't feel like I'm isolating myself. I try to communicate, and I just feel like everyone wishes I would just go away. I'm annoying, with my thoughts and attempts to interact. With my songs that nobody likes but me.
I don't really want to continue like this, but I don't know how to make a change. I long to feel like I'm appreciated, and like I am liked by others. I miss my old job, I miss working with the animals.. The first shelter, not the second one. The first one was amazing. My supervisor actually appreciated me, and I think most of my coworkers liked me. My second one was taken over by a sociopathic piece of shit, and I never fit in there because I saw room for improvement.
I miss high school, and I thought I'd never say that. At least in high school, I was being bullied, people acted like I existed. Feeling like I'm alone and I don't even matter enough to be hated on is somehow worse to me than getting the hate.
I'm thirty-three, I never amounted to much of anything. I can't keep a steady job and my brain is my own worst enemy. I don't want to die, but I want to kill this part of me that wants so badly to be liked. I want to kill this part of me that actually gives a damn about other people. Why? Because it feels like very few people give a damn about me. I can count all the people who actually care about me on two hands. But even those people I think would be fine if I had never existed. I'm nothing special.
I'm sick of trying to make an impact in this world. It's all just so confusing and I'm sick of it. I just want to be able to sit on the beach and feel the breeze on my skin and hear the waves crash against the shore. That is peace to me. I'm sick of all my friends being online. I rarely get to see people in person and it's starting to be that when I do, I feel awkward as hell. I was never great at socializing, but it seems like the less practice I get at it, the worse I get.
I just want to feel significant.. and I know that my brain is my enemy and these feelings aren't true and it'll all pass. I'll hold on, but it would be nice to not have to feel like this anymore. It would be nice to have people contact me first and show me that, "Hey! I remember that you exist and furthermore, you don't annoy me and I do like you."
I won't hold my breath for that to start happening though. And now that I've said it, for the next couple weeks it'll feel like if anyone contacts me, they only did so because they read this and felt guilty. That's not my intent. I know everyone is caught up in their own lives. I'm just the toy that was loved for a moment then swiftly thrown on the playroom floor and forgotten. I'll probably be laying there when the kid comes back, but don't ask me why I've become jaded.
With extremely few exceptions, I have to be the first to interact with friends. And even then I get the feeling that they wish I would just stop commenting on their shallow meme's. I get the feeling that everyone else is content with just sharing a meme then not having a conversation surrounding that meme.
If I didn't have online communication, I'd have hardly any communication at all. I was told by a therapist that I needed to not isolate myself. At this point, I don't feel like I'm isolating myself. I try to communicate, and I just feel like everyone wishes I would just go away. I'm annoying, with my thoughts and attempts to interact. With my songs that nobody likes but me.
I don't really want to continue like this, but I don't know how to make a change. I long to feel like I'm appreciated, and like I am liked by others. I miss my old job, I miss working with the animals.. The first shelter, not the second one. The first one was amazing. My supervisor actually appreciated me, and I think most of my coworkers liked me. My second one was taken over by a sociopathic piece of shit, and I never fit in there because I saw room for improvement.
I miss high school, and I thought I'd never say that. At least in high school, I was being bullied, people acted like I existed. Feeling like I'm alone and I don't even matter enough to be hated on is somehow worse to me than getting the hate.
I'm thirty-three, I never amounted to much of anything. I can't keep a steady job and my brain is my own worst enemy. I don't want to die, but I want to kill this part of me that wants so badly to be liked. I want to kill this part of me that actually gives a damn about other people. Why? Because it feels like very few people give a damn about me. I can count all the people who actually care about me on two hands. But even those people I think would be fine if I had never existed. I'm nothing special.
I'm sick of trying to make an impact in this world. It's all just so confusing and I'm sick of it. I just want to be able to sit on the beach and feel the breeze on my skin and hear the waves crash against the shore. That is peace to me. I'm sick of all my friends being online. I rarely get to see people in person and it's starting to be that when I do, I feel awkward as hell. I was never great at socializing, but it seems like the less practice I get at it, the worse I get.
I just want to feel significant.. and I know that my brain is my enemy and these feelings aren't true and it'll all pass. I'll hold on, but it would be nice to not have to feel like this anymore. It would be nice to have people contact me first and show me that, "Hey! I remember that you exist and furthermore, you don't annoy me and I do like you."
I won't hold my breath for that to start happening though. And now that I've said it, for the next couple weeks it'll feel like if anyone contacts me, they only did so because they read this and felt guilty. That's not my intent. I know everyone is caught up in their own lives. I'm just the toy that was loved for a moment then swiftly thrown on the playroom floor and forgotten. I'll probably be laying there when the kid comes back, but don't ask me why I've become jaded.
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