It Hurts.
It hurts, and I'm confused. I scroll through Facebook. I see a lot of posts, and I see other friends with comments on their posts and interaction taking place. Then I look at what I've shared for the day and in my mind, I hear the sound of crickets. In my mind's eye, I see a room full of people, talking and smiling. I see myself attempting to interact, attempting to be seen, and attempting to feel like my friends care. I'm disappointed.
At the same time, I'm very grateful for the few who do interact. I've kept my list small because I'd rather have a few quarters than a million pennies. Maybe I need to sift through some pennies and find my quarters. I would like to have more people in my life. I don't think more people means that others will mean less to me. I think it would help me to not pressure the few that I do have to be more involved in my life.
Everyone chooses their own involvement in my life. I've got one friend in particular, whom I won't name here, but I'm always commenting on her posts. Sometimes, she'll comment back, but she never likes or comments on anything I post. The friendship feels very one sided. So much so that I think that maybe she's just too polite to tell me to go away. Maybe she's unfollowed me and doesn't see my posts. I don't know, but it's troubling to me.
I don't understand my need to feel included and to feel liked. I don't understand my belief that this isn't happening but the proof is in my day to day. I really need to get offline and get a life. Online is no life, people just ignore me, except for the few that I'd rather see in person anyway.
I want to go back to the Martial Arts, I think it would help me. I'm gaining weight, I've lost all flexibility, I'm a shadow of my former self and no one seems to see that. To be involved in the martial arts again would be extremely helpful. I would have friends at class, I would be involved in something athletic again. I would be learning to take care of myself better, I think self-defense and when to use it is a very valuable skill. I think the discipline would help as well. I need a sense of community that doesn't revolve around religious indoctrination. I think returning to class would help me fight my depression.
I hope that I'm able to do this soon, so I can quit obsessing about all the people on my friend's list who never interact, or never seem to have anything to say. It would be nice to be able to receive my black belt, something that I've always wanted, but never finished working for. I think that would help my confidence greatly. I never wanted to quit after all. Money got in the way, my mom started complaining about the money. I failed my belt test and she didn't want to keep paying for it if I was going to fail. So I dropped out, I couldn't risk failure again. I wanted that accomplishment so bad, but I was robbed of it.
I can't go back in time, I can't change that, but I can start again today. I can stand up and brush myself off and get back to work. I don't want to waste any more time. As soon as I figure out how to make some cash, I'm getting my ass back in class. Then I won't be on Facebook much anymore, I'll be too busy learning and gaining my confidence back. I don't think anyone would ask where I've gone, I don't think they'd miss me at all. After all, they hardly interact anyway.
At the same time, I'm very grateful for the few who do interact. I've kept my list small because I'd rather have a few quarters than a million pennies. Maybe I need to sift through some pennies and find my quarters. I would like to have more people in my life. I don't think more people means that others will mean less to me. I think it would help me to not pressure the few that I do have to be more involved in my life.
Everyone chooses their own involvement in my life. I've got one friend in particular, whom I won't name here, but I'm always commenting on her posts. Sometimes, she'll comment back, but she never likes or comments on anything I post. The friendship feels very one sided. So much so that I think that maybe she's just too polite to tell me to go away. Maybe she's unfollowed me and doesn't see my posts. I don't know, but it's troubling to me.
I don't understand my need to feel included and to feel liked. I don't understand my belief that this isn't happening but the proof is in my day to day. I really need to get offline and get a life. Online is no life, people just ignore me, except for the few that I'd rather see in person anyway.
I want to go back to the Martial Arts, I think it would help me. I'm gaining weight, I've lost all flexibility, I'm a shadow of my former self and no one seems to see that. To be involved in the martial arts again would be extremely helpful. I would have friends at class, I would be involved in something athletic again. I would be learning to take care of myself better, I think self-defense and when to use it is a very valuable skill. I think the discipline would help as well. I need a sense of community that doesn't revolve around religious indoctrination. I think returning to class would help me fight my depression.
I hope that I'm able to do this soon, so I can quit obsessing about all the people on my friend's list who never interact, or never seem to have anything to say. It would be nice to be able to receive my black belt, something that I've always wanted, but never finished working for. I think that would help my confidence greatly. I never wanted to quit after all. Money got in the way, my mom started complaining about the money. I failed my belt test and she didn't want to keep paying for it if I was going to fail. So I dropped out, I couldn't risk failure again. I wanted that accomplishment so bad, but I was robbed of it.
I can't go back in time, I can't change that, but I can start again today. I can stand up and brush myself off and get back to work. I don't want to waste any more time. As soon as I figure out how to make some cash, I'm getting my ass back in class. Then I won't be on Facebook much anymore, I'll be too busy learning and gaining my confidence back. I don't think anyone would ask where I've gone, I don't think they'd miss me at all. After all, they hardly interact anyway.
I am not the most social person but I still have a few hundred friends on Facebook. If I sit down to scroll through my timeline and everyone has posted 1 thing I won't see them all, and some people post multiple in a day. When I do see something informative or interesting I often don't have the time to do more than throw out a reaction, if I want to get very far through my timeline. I hate that you feel alone but it surely has more to do with people's busy lives than their opinions of you.
ReplyDeleteTry engaging with someone's page directly or try tagging a few people you can count on when you post something you want a response to.
Maybe make more videos for YouTube. Sometimes it takes a long time to build an audience.
Thanks Daniel. I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to be happy. Facebook just isn't my cuppa, and I suck at being social. I just don't know what's expected of me. As for youtube. I just don't know what to make a video about.
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