Unpacking My Bags A Bit More
I've noticed something that makes me different from others; and causes me a great deal of suffering. I hang onto things people say they'll do. If someone tells me they're going to do something. I expect them to follow through. I get really hurt when they don't. I know I've let other people down, so it's hard to get mad at them, but it still hurts.
When someone says they'll do something for me, and then it slips their mind. It sends the message to me that I'm not important to them. I think I'm a pretty good person, it's finally starting to sink in, I've had a couple people beating this into my skull for a bit now. It has been greatly needed, it's only just starting to sink in. Good people, in my mind, are the ones we shouldn't forget.
I don't understand, why people just forget to do things they tell me they'll do. Not just friends but people I've worked with, etc. I don't know how to confront people with it. I don't know how to say "Hey! Have you forgotten about me? Am I important to you or not?". I know people don't like to have their faults pointed out, so I don't know how to approach it.
I've always wanted to be liked. Until here recently I didn't have many friends. I still have a tendency to drive away people because I don't believe them. It really takes someone special to break through that wall.
There is something wrong with me. Something, I hope there is a diagnosis for. Something I can put a name on, so then maybe I can learn to deal with it. I don't think I've ever been properly diagnosed for the cause of my anxiety and depression. I've had lazy therapists around me who just want to slap the most common diagnosis' on me and I can tell them that's not right. But they think they know more than the person suffering.
I'm not bipolar. I'm not Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Those don't have sensory issues to go along with them. I don't get manic. I have had my head in the clouds before trying to force myself to believe I could be something in life. But, it's never been any different than a little kid who dreams of being an astronaut.
I still feel like a child sometimes. Like I'm not as mature as I need to be at 33. I thought by 33 I'd already at least be touring with a band, if not already signed to a major label. I can see now that that isn't going to happen for me. I'm never going to get that call. I was so headstrong that I didn't have a backup plan.
I want to work, but I have so many social issues that keep me from it. I don't always pick up on sarcasm, I do sometimes, but it has to be very obvious. When I try to use sarcasm, I end up pissing people off. I think I can read people's tone of voice and body language pretty well, but I'm open to the idea that maybe I'm not getting it right a lot of the time.
I have an inability to do what normal adults just do. I want to, I don't know how to express how badly I'd love to be able to juggle a job and caregiving for my partner. I want to be that responsible adult, I really try hard.
I don't know what's wrong with me, and I feel like it's getting more and more out of my control. I try to hide it. My instinct is to hide just how different I am. I think that's natural, it's evolutionary. We've always needed the safety of numbers, no man is an island.
Sometimes I feel like I take advantage of those around me and I feel guilty about it. Then I remember that I'm fucked in the head, but trying to be a good person. I'm not wanting to be the way I am. I've done everything I can to fix it, but I'm starting to think I can't be fixed.
If I could figure out what the problem is, maybe I would find out that it's something that can't be fixed but can be managed, then I could start learning how to manage it. And I would have the words to tell everyone else what to expect from me.
I'm highly compassionate and very sensitive. Somedays I just want to quarantine myself because I can't keep my frustration under control. The littlest things will frustrate me to no end. When that starts happening I can't be touched it'll make me flip out more. When I'm feeling that way the best thing I can do is just listen to music, maybe sing along. I don't need to try to socialize when I'm like that, though.
Sometimes I don't even recognize what I'm feeling. I think I'm too trustworthy, to gullible. I want to badly to be liked and I hate that about myself. I envied the popular kids when I was in school and I feel like I'm trapped in my past. I am struggling to let it go. I have flashbacks to being in that hell. I wish I could have been happier, maybe I would have learned better.
I know I seem articulate, but I struggle really hard with language. I have a high IQ, but I'm not strong with English or maths. My strengths are music, art, and sciences. Especially nature, I love Earth Sciences. I'm not a fan of history, I don't think it can be trusted. History is written by people with motives of their own. I don't trust the government, I think governments just do the least they can to keep the cattle from revolting. Don't fool yourselves. We're told how to live, given the illusion of choice, and if we're lucky we have enough to live on. Oh and if you don't feel you do, well the people in power are happy to direct you to someone you can look down on and blame, but let them off the hook as you do your Gods for their indiscretions.
What you didn't see just then is me correcting using the improper word. I do this a lot, I have to really watch myself when using words. I communicate better with body language and tone of voice. This is why I hate grammar nazis. They seem to think that language is most important. I think intent and emotion behind the language is what is important.
Anyway, I'm tired. It's really early in the morning. I guess I have a bit of insomnia too. I'll probably never know what is exactly wrong with me. I can't get a therapist who will listen to me or who will ask diagnostic questions.. They mostly just let me talk and talk and bullshit and bullshit. If someone is going to diagnose me, they'll have to actually put some work in rather than just listen to me ramble like this. I love you all, and I hope you never have to suffer the hell of not knowing what is going on with you, and not having the ability to go to a doctor because healthcare is a luxury for those who have money.
When someone says they'll do something for me, and then it slips their mind. It sends the message to me that I'm not important to them. I think I'm a pretty good person, it's finally starting to sink in, I've had a couple people beating this into my skull for a bit now. It has been greatly needed, it's only just starting to sink in. Good people, in my mind, are the ones we shouldn't forget.
I don't understand, why people just forget to do things they tell me they'll do. Not just friends but people I've worked with, etc. I don't know how to confront people with it. I don't know how to say "Hey! Have you forgotten about me? Am I important to you or not?". I know people don't like to have their faults pointed out, so I don't know how to approach it.
I've always wanted to be liked. Until here recently I didn't have many friends. I still have a tendency to drive away people because I don't believe them. It really takes someone special to break through that wall.
There is something wrong with me. Something, I hope there is a diagnosis for. Something I can put a name on, so then maybe I can learn to deal with it. I don't think I've ever been properly diagnosed for the cause of my anxiety and depression. I've had lazy therapists around me who just want to slap the most common diagnosis' on me and I can tell them that's not right. But they think they know more than the person suffering.
I'm not bipolar. I'm not Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Those don't have sensory issues to go along with them. I don't get manic. I have had my head in the clouds before trying to force myself to believe I could be something in life. But, it's never been any different than a little kid who dreams of being an astronaut.
I still feel like a child sometimes. Like I'm not as mature as I need to be at 33. I thought by 33 I'd already at least be touring with a band, if not already signed to a major label. I can see now that that isn't going to happen for me. I'm never going to get that call. I was so headstrong that I didn't have a backup plan.
I want to work, but I have so many social issues that keep me from it. I don't always pick up on sarcasm, I do sometimes, but it has to be very obvious. When I try to use sarcasm, I end up pissing people off. I think I can read people's tone of voice and body language pretty well, but I'm open to the idea that maybe I'm not getting it right a lot of the time.
I have an inability to do what normal adults just do. I want to, I don't know how to express how badly I'd love to be able to juggle a job and caregiving for my partner. I want to be that responsible adult, I really try hard.
I don't know what's wrong with me, and I feel like it's getting more and more out of my control. I try to hide it. My instinct is to hide just how different I am. I think that's natural, it's evolutionary. We've always needed the safety of numbers, no man is an island.
Sometimes I feel like I take advantage of those around me and I feel guilty about it. Then I remember that I'm fucked in the head, but trying to be a good person. I'm not wanting to be the way I am. I've done everything I can to fix it, but I'm starting to think I can't be fixed.
If I could figure out what the problem is, maybe I would find out that it's something that can't be fixed but can be managed, then I could start learning how to manage it. And I would have the words to tell everyone else what to expect from me.
I'm highly compassionate and very sensitive. Somedays I just want to quarantine myself because I can't keep my frustration under control. The littlest things will frustrate me to no end. When that starts happening I can't be touched it'll make me flip out more. When I'm feeling that way the best thing I can do is just listen to music, maybe sing along. I don't need to try to socialize when I'm like that, though.
Sometimes I don't even recognize what I'm feeling. I think I'm too trustworthy, to gullible. I want to badly to be liked and I hate that about myself. I envied the popular kids when I was in school and I feel like I'm trapped in my past. I am struggling to let it go. I have flashbacks to being in that hell. I wish I could have been happier, maybe I would have learned better.
I know I seem articulate, but I struggle really hard with language. I have a high IQ, but I'm not strong with English or maths. My strengths are music, art, and sciences. Especially nature, I love Earth Sciences. I'm not a fan of history, I don't think it can be trusted. History is written by people with motives of their own. I don't trust the government, I think governments just do the least they can to keep the cattle from revolting. Don't fool yourselves. We're told how to live, given the illusion of choice, and if we're lucky we have enough to live on. Oh and if you don't feel you do, well the people in power are happy to direct you to someone you can look down on and blame, but let them off the hook as you do your Gods for their indiscretions.
What you didn't see just then is me correcting using the improper word. I do this a lot, I have to really watch myself when using words. I communicate better with body language and tone of voice. This is why I hate grammar nazis. They seem to think that language is most important. I think intent and emotion behind the language is what is important.
Anyway, I'm tired. It's really early in the morning. I guess I have a bit of insomnia too. I'll probably never know what is exactly wrong with me. I can't get a therapist who will listen to me or who will ask diagnostic questions.. They mostly just let me talk and talk and bullshit and bullshit. If someone is going to diagnose me, they'll have to actually put some work in rather than just listen to me ramble like this. I love you all, and I hope you never have to suffer the hell of not knowing what is going on with you, and not having the ability to go to a doctor because healthcare is a luxury for those who have money.
Hey there friend. I hope you don't mind me saying so, but it sounds to me, and I think you've surmised this before, that you could be on the spectrum. Many of the things you describe having trouble with my Aspie daughter also has trouble with. Often those who are seen as "high functioning" (I hate this term, because it is deceiving as functioning levels of Autistics actually fluctuate from day to day or even hour to hour) struggle to get an accurate diagnosis. I will say that a diagnosis is a double edged sword, at least for my daughter. It is a relief to know what it is that sets her apart, but it is also another label to contend with. I hope my comment doesn't offend and perhaps is helpful. There are many FB pages I follow where you might find more info on this subject if you are interested.-Rachel McNeely
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment friend! That's what I suspect too.. and You're right it is a double edged sword because of the stigma, but I think it would bring me peace to some degree to have it verified or completely disproved because it's so bad feeling like I'm not certain that I'm autism spectrum, and could it be something else. It would allow me to not be so hard on myself about being "normal" I would be okay with the diagnosis, yeah, it would be a little deflating to have it confirmed at first but then I think a therapist could really start helping me to cope. But if they don't even consider the possibility it seems dismissive. I've even had a therapist straight laugh in my face over it! "hahaha I think you mean artistic, not autistic." When he did that I just immediately looked down and felt horrible. I never brought it up again with him either.
ReplyDeleteYou and I are similar in some ways as we both are deep thinkers and feel that pull to be social but find more happiness in hanging with ourselves and some good music. I can be very extroverted, charismatic, and am generally good at making friends with anyone but where I really find happiness is when I'm alone listening to music I love or reading stories about people and /or human nature in general. I think the study of people is our common interest but where we differ is you care more. I have this problem/tendency to go ice cold and live a philosophy I call " I don't give a shit". It works for me but I don't know if it's healthy. The I don't give a shit philosophy I go through life with is no matter what other people do or don't do I try not let bother me and in an Alabama expression "I'm gonna do me, boo".
ReplyDeleteWhen u try not to care about what other people think, do, or say do you feel personally under attack?
I think most people that say they will do things get busy or are too unfocused to follow through and may need to know that you actually do need their help or what they promised. They may need some kick in the butt to actually follow up. It's a problem in our millennial culture to be pretty lackadaisical in everything but with maturity and growth should come more commitment and follow through on promises.
When I am able to not give a shit. It usually comes after I've felt attacked by someone else, I probably wasn't really being attacked but that doesn't change the fact that it felt that way. I also feel better when I'm not giving a shit because I'm busy doing me. I know I'm probably just as guilty of some of these things as the next person, but I do hold onto promises when people make plans and I do get incredibly hurt when the person doesn't follow through. I love people to much, that's my biggest flaw, but it's a flaw I'm learning to like about myself because it means I have more compassion than most will ever see in their lifetimes. I know some people are afraid of that intensity of compassion and they treat me that way because they don't know how to deal with it. I have just got to learn to pay attention to others and if they break promises I will just break the friendship. I am fine on my own, it's just currently I'm feeling more extroverted than introverted, but since I spend the majority of my time being introverted I don't really know how to handle it when I'm being extroverted... Such are the struggles of the Ambivert. :)
DeleteMy biggest issue is that I want to be successful and that takes other people. Period, I have to have someone willing to buy my products, or willing to listen to my music, etc. People just seem to be okay ignoring me and I don't understand why.