I Really Don't Understand This

For what feels like my entire life I had this problem. You see, I've watched other people a lot. I've noticed for the most part if an argument breaks out people will pretty much equally divide themselves amongst friends until they get it sorted out. When I get into arguments with people though I'm the one who gets ganged up on. My "friends" have never been the type to stand up and say something to help me out. No, my friends get silent and they tend to stay out of it while the other person's friends gang up on me. 

 I don't know why this occurs. Do I come off as, not needing their help? Or not wanting their help? I know that I can't have been on the wrong side of arguments my entire life. But then maybe I have been because, I grew up in Appalachia where if you're not a straight, white, Christian conservative you don't get much respect. So maybe, I've just never had real friends. Or maybe my friends were more afraid to speak out than I was. 

 This still happens to me today, though. It seems everyone likes to stand aside and watch while people gang up on someone else. I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I can't be wrong all of the time. Am I just not remembering when people have spoken out in defense of what message I'm trying to convey? 

 I think I suck at communication. I just cannot convey my thoughts in a way that doesn't end up in people getting angry with me. I don't like when people are angry with me. But I'm over it. I'm tired of trying anymore. 

 Part of making peace with myself and my past is seeing that it doesn't matter that I've angered other people. I'm not responsible for their emotions. I can only articulate things to the best of my ability and let the chips fall where they may. I don't have to stick around when people start ganging up. I can walk away, and perhaps that's the strongest thing I could do. I don't need to attach myself to the outcome of a discussion. Meaning, I don't have to stick around to convince anyone of anything. If things start going south I can walk away. 

 Part of me does wish though that when this ganging up shit started happening that other people would step in. If for no other reason than to say they disagree with the entire whatever is going on. I don't need them to, but it would be nice, for once in my life to look at the people I have around me and to feel secure that they're going to have my back. I don't think I've ever had that. While I don't need it, it would be nice to have. 


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