I Don't Get Support From My Own People
For the first ten years of my transition, I didn't seek out other trans people. I didn't seek out any type of support. I just talked with my therapist and worked on becoming more comfortable with myself and the welcome, but awkward changes I was going through. I was afraid that by reaching out, I would just find another group of people that wouldn't be able to love me for me, and I didn't care to go there.
I regret to inform you that I was absolutely right in being afraid of just that. About five years ago, I started trying to engage other transpeople. I have made a few friends with other guys like me, but just like when I was interacting with only the cis community, I have found that I generally don't fit in. I am thankful for the few friends I've made who are like me. I would like to find more, but I have realized that I'm not alone so I don't need to seek out like minds anymore. In fact, I don't want to.
I can see the harm this compartmentalization is doing to our society. It's great to have like minds around us, but it's not okay to get caught in an echo chamber either. That is how extremism digs its ugly heels into each of us.
I question and think a lot about social issues. My being trans has never really been a huge part of my identity. I've found that when people heavily identify with a group they start spouting that groups rhetoric and they divide themselves. If we could really get to know each other on a human level we could fix this.
In order to do this though we would need to learn to listen with the intent to understand, not to just be right or further whatever agenda we have at hand. We have to be willing to look at ourselves honestly and not pull any punches. We need to be proactive in changing ourselves.
No one seems to understand when I tell them that the words they use cause division, they want to cling to the idea that what they are doing is right and they refuse to see how it may be harmful. A southern man flying his rebel flag refuses to see how that act is downright racist. He repaints the history of the country claiming "states rights" is what the flag stands for, but he omits to himself that it was the states right to hold slaves, that was the right the states were fighting for. Another person thinks they're fighting for racial equality while they say that ALL white people have some magical privilege over everyone else, or cis people have a privilege over all trans people. This person won't even think for a moment how we can't truly quantify privilege, They also won't concede that those who say that language is divisive might actually be right. I can understand that there are all types of "privileges" in the world, and depending on your perspective and where you stand you might prefer to have one privilege over another. It seems like people who are on the privilege train think that the grass is greener on the other side. When I hear someone say "I'm privileged because of X" It sounds like a double statement, it says I can do this and other people can't so I feel sorry for them. Feeling sorry for someone is NOT the same thing as having empathy for them. In fact, it's condescending.
I want to make a difference in the world. The only way I can do this is to speak my truth. A truth that a lot of people right now don't agree with. That's okay, they don't have to agree and I would never censor them. Ideas aren't dangerous, they speak for themselves.
More to the point of this article, I don't fit in with other trans people because I don't play identity politics. I'm not looking to police everyone's language, but rather explain to them what their language says to me, and they usually fail to explain what they mean with their language. Language is a tricky thing, words have multiple meanings and some people are trying to change the definition of certain words so they misuse that word or create a disconnect from others because they have differing opinions surrounding the meaning of a word.
For example, Transgender. It means you look at your body and your brain says, "Oh, no. This isn't right! I shouldn't have boobs!" or "I shouldn't have an Adam's apple.". That is the definition. It means to transition to the other side of the binary because you feel like you belong there.
I've seen a lot of people trying to use the word transgender when the word they are looking for is Agender or gender non-conforming. Or when they feel like they are simply more masculine than feminine. No, this is not transgender. Gender is a spectrum but to be trans means you are MtF(male-to-female) or FtM(Female-to-Male). It's okay if someone doesn't feel like they are really either gender, but if they're going to be trans then they need to understand that means you do have discomfort with your secondary sex characteristics.
I don't fit in because I don't suffer a trans trender lightly. I don't follow this diatribe that you don't need to have dysphoria to be trans. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Leelah Alcorn was trans! She could not live her life knowing that puberty was going to change her body in a way that would be irreversible! She took her own life because she couldn't be seen as who she really was! There is no wishy-washy maybe I'll take hormones maybe I won't.
I also don't fit in because I feel like it's my duty to speak up and answer questions. Anyone in any movement who says, "It's not my job to educate you." is just not wanting to really talk about the issue. We must educate each other, we must be open to sharing our stories and we must learn to do so without using language that causes would be allies to leave the conversation.
Today, I left a lot of trans groups. Why? Because I saw too many trans trenders, and I saw too many wanna be allies enabling these young people to continue to not stand up for themselves. It's enabling to say you'll speak for them. You can't fucking speak for them. I can't speak for a person of another race, I can't speak for a woman. I can speak for all of the human species and say for the love of all our hearts, learn to be friends again! Speak to each other as friends! Recognize your own behavior first.
I hope this doesn't fall on deaf ears, and I hope we can all take a good look at the man in the mirror and make a change! MAKE THAT CHANGE!
I regret to inform you that I was absolutely right in being afraid of just that. About five years ago, I started trying to engage other transpeople. I have made a few friends with other guys like me, but just like when I was interacting with only the cis community, I have found that I generally don't fit in. I am thankful for the few friends I've made who are like me. I would like to find more, but I have realized that I'm not alone so I don't need to seek out like minds anymore. In fact, I don't want to.
I can see the harm this compartmentalization is doing to our society. It's great to have like minds around us, but it's not okay to get caught in an echo chamber either. That is how extremism digs its ugly heels into each of us.
I question and think a lot about social issues. My being trans has never really been a huge part of my identity. I've found that when people heavily identify with a group they start spouting that groups rhetoric and they divide themselves. If we could really get to know each other on a human level we could fix this.
In order to do this though we would need to learn to listen with the intent to understand, not to just be right or further whatever agenda we have at hand. We have to be willing to look at ourselves honestly and not pull any punches. We need to be proactive in changing ourselves.
No one seems to understand when I tell them that the words they use cause division, they want to cling to the idea that what they are doing is right and they refuse to see how it may be harmful. A southern man flying his rebel flag refuses to see how that act is downright racist. He repaints the history of the country claiming "states rights" is what the flag stands for, but he omits to himself that it was the states right to hold slaves, that was the right the states were fighting for. Another person thinks they're fighting for racial equality while they say that ALL white people have some magical privilege over everyone else, or cis people have a privilege over all trans people. This person won't even think for a moment how we can't truly quantify privilege, They also won't concede that those who say that language is divisive might actually be right. I can understand that there are all types of "privileges" in the world, and depending on your perspective and where you stand you might prefer to have one privilege over another. It seems like people who are on the privilege train think that the grass is greener on the other side. When I hear someone say "I'm privileged because of X" It sounds like a double statement, it says I can do this and other people can't so I feel sorry for them. Feeling sorry for someone is NOT the same thing as having empathy for them. In fact, it's condescending.
I want to make a difference in the world. The only way I can do this is to speak my truth. A truth that a lot of people right now don't agree with. That's okay, they don't have to agree and I would never censor them. Ideas aren't dangerous, they speak for themselves.
More to the point of this article, I don't fit in with other trans people because I don't play identity politics. I'm not looking to police everyone's language, but rather explain to them what their language says to me, and they usually fail to explain what they mean with their language. Language is a tricky thing, words have multiple meanings and some people are trying to change the definition of certain words so they misuse that word or create a disconnect from others because they have differing opinions surrounding the meaning of a word.
For example, Transgender. It means you look at your body and your brain says, "Oh, no. This isn't right! I shouldn't have boobs!" or "I shouldn't have an Adam's apple.". That is the definition. It means to transition to the other side of the binary because you feel like you belong there.
I've seen a lot of people trying to use the word transgender when the word they are looking for is Agender or gender non-conforming. Or when they feel like they are simply more masculine than feminine. No, this is not transgender. Gender is a spectrum but to be trans means you are MtF(male-to-female) or FtM(Female-to-Male). It's okay if someone doesn't feel like they are really either gender, but if they're going to be trans then they need to understand that means you do have discomfort with your secondary sex characteristics.
I don't fit in because I don't suffer a trans trender lightly. I don't follow this diatribe that you don't need to have dysphoria to be trans. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Leelah Alcorn was trans! She could not live her life knowing that puberty was going to change her body in a way that would be irreversible! She took her own life because she couldn't be seen as who she really was! There is no wishy-washy maybe I'll take hormones maybe I won't.
I also don't fit in because I feel like it's my duty to speak up and answer questions. Anyone in any movement who says, "It's not my job to educate you." is just not wanting to really talk about the issue. We must educate each other, we must be open to sharing our stories and we must learn to do so without using language that causes would be allies to leave the conversation.
Today, I left a lot of trans groups. Why? Because I saw too many trans trenders, and I saw too many wanna be allies enabling these young people to continue to not stand up for themselves. It's enabling to say you'll speak for them. You can't fucking speak for them. I can't speak for a person of another race, I can't speak for a woman. I can speak for all of the human species and say for the love of all our hearts, learn to be friends again! Speak to each other as friends! Recognize your own behavior first.
I hope this doesn't fall on deaf ears, and I hope we can all take a good look at the man in the mirror and make a change! MAKE THAT CHANGE!
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