Transgender Day of Visibility

Today is Transgender Day of Visibility in honor of that I'd like to share my story. So go grab a cup of tea and settle into your bus seat, or your comfy chair at home. This is a synopsis of what I've seen as a transgender person who grew up in small town KY, at the foot of the Appalachian mountains. 

I was born in Jellico, TN in February of nineteen eighty-four. The doctor slapped me on the ass and declared me a bouncing baby girl. I promptly let him know what I thought of that, and peed on him. I've kept this attitude about me every since, you're entitled to your opinion and I to mine, we don't have to agree, and you're not entitled to my respect either. Respect is something that must be earned, as is trust. 

I've always done my best to present as male, even while everyone around me insisted that I was female. Even before I had a word for it, I knew I had something different about me. When I found out about the physical differences between boys and girls, I was devastated. Devastated that I wouldn't grow up to be a man, devastated that I had a birth defect that made me different from other boys. 

While I was still very young, I remember seeing an episode of a talk show, it was the first time I had ever seen a transgender individual. He was like me, he wore his cap to the back and he was talking about how he was transitioning from female to male. The crowd was showing general repulsion but the show host was being very respectful. I caught the gist that most people were going to hate me but there was a way that I could become me some day. 

For reasons I don't feel comfortable talking about on a public forum, I already knew my parents would not take me to a therapist and help me. So I never really spoke to them about what I was going through, they had already shut that door for the time being. I didn't lose hope though. I knew that when I was eighteen I would be able to do what I needed to do to be okay again. I knew I wasn't okay, but I had to hang on. 

I spent my time doing all the boy things I could do. I played little league baseball, I took martial arts because the sun rose and set in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Michaelangelo was my spirit animal. I had to hide who I was in my day to day life, but I could pretend to be Mikey, the outgoing party dude that I wanted to be. When playing with friends I always chose to be Mikey when we played turtles. 

I helped the neighborhood boys build tree houses, and we played army, and capture the flag. We played football, both tackle and flag. We played rough and the boys treated me just like any other boy. The adults were the confused ones, the adults were the misguided ones. 

Eventually, the kids who treated me the same started to treat me differently. Puberty set in, and I started being seen as that which I knew I wasn't, so I became withdrawn. Boys began to only be interested in getting into my pants, and I was interested in girls, not the boys. I couldn't get them to see me for who I was anymore. Hormones took my life away. 

By the age of fourteen, or fifteen I was suicidal. All my depression being blamed on losing an Uncle and both of my grandparents. Yeah, I missed them and I grieved them but even before they passed away I was grieving the loss of my identity. I spent my pre-teen years sleeping with a backpack full of books on my chest trying to make sure that my chest didn't grow. I sang only songs by guys and tried my best to force my voice deeper. I took up shaving even though there was nothing to shave. 

I didn't want to exist anymore. Every "she" or "her" became a knife in my gut. It felt like I imagine any other guy felt when they got called a little girl, or a sissy. Why is that so hard for guys? I can tell you it's not because women are less than, it's because it's not an accurate representation of who they are. It's not okay in our society for a boy to be feminine in any way and that needs to change. Everyone has masculine and feminine energies, and it needs to be okay for everyone to express their true self to the best of their ability. 

Many biologically male individuals who identify as a male have told me that they admire my strength and understanding of the social issues that affect us. I'm finally gaining acceptance, even in my little dust bowl of a town. 

Fairly recently my barber acknowledged to me that he remembered me from high school, home room. He just said, "You've always liked weird hairstyles haven't you?" and I said, "Yeah, I like to be different. Makes the world interesting." or something to that effect. And that was all that was said. He didn't out me in front of the other two barbers or the clientele. It let me know that he remembered me and he didn't really give a shit about my past. They're a group of good ole boys, but they really put the actual good in the good ole boy. 

I'm sure maybe they've said some things while I wasn't there, since I know that one of them knows. One of the other guys has been cutting my hair since early in my transition, since the first time Dad took me to the barber shop with him, and the business use to belong to my parents' minister. I generally don't like religion for all its hatred toward people like me, but my parents' minister at least never preached against me. He never got caught up in all of that, and these people have watched me transition and I have to give them credit. They've been allies even though they'd never call themselves that. They may only cut hair, but to this man they're heroes. They have their faults like we all do, but they have never made me feel like an Other, or a less than. 

So yeah, I have had a lot of traumatic experiences growing up here, and I don't really like it. But I think people are slowly coming around. Yeah, I've had people say things like "The dyke lesbian bitch with her tits cut off." but honestly, people who've said things like that, are more fucked in the head than I'll ever be. I feel sorry for them, they must be suffering an awful lot to throw such hatred toward such a loving and kind individual. I hope they can let go of that anger, or they'll never have a good life, no matter how much they delude themselves into thinking they're being strong or happy. 

We've got a long way to go, but progress is being made. Don't give up. Tomorrow is a new day, it brings with it new opportunities to change ourselves and influence the world around us. I hope that today you'll think about your trans brothers and sisters. We're just like you, all we want is love and acceptance. 

Namasté