I understand, but it still hurts.
Throughout my life I've had people around me who've been my friend in private, but they didn't care to be publically associated with me. I understand, I'm not the demographic of the area, I'm exactly the opposite of it. I'm transgender, I'm Atheist/Agnostic, and I am vocal about who I am and what I stand for. I simply cannot live life hiding who I really am. I'm authentic, I'm real. So I fully understand why someone wouldn't want to associate with me publicly. I can't blame someone for not wanting to have anything to do with me publicly.
That doesn't change the fact that it hurts. To me, it says, I know I'll be ostracized too, and I can't risk that. Which I understand because in a little town like this our reputation can be everything. So if you love the area, then I can understand not wanting to be forced up uproot and go somewhere else. Please understand though, I'm stuck here, I'm pretty much destitute unless I find something that I can start making money with, to get me out of this area where I'm already blacklisted. Blacklisted because I'm real, and people here pretty much don't like that. The people in my hometown need the security of the hive mind. They need to know everyone is with them, we have very few free thinkers here but a lot of people who believe they are free thinkers. Sometimes you can't convince the songbird to see it's cage.
I wish I could help people to understand that the result of their action, the result of them only being my friend behind closed doors is this:
The people in this area get to remain comfortable in their ignorance and their hatred for people like me. They get to continue to believe that people like me have no place in their town. They get to believe that they are golden little saints and their way is right. They get to not be called out. The status quo gets to remain unchallenged and progress in this little place gets halted. So go ahead, I'm not going to hold it against you for not wanting to be seen publicly with me, but I also don't want you to be able to believe that I don't have a problem with it or that it's all hunky dory. It's not, it hurts, but I'm not mad at you all.
It hurts because, I'm a good person. It hurts because part of dealing with depression is not isolating ourselves, but it feels very isolating when you know someone you care about and would scream from the mountain top that you love them for exactly who they are,.. won't do the same for you in return. It hurts because, I just want to not feel ashamed of who I am, but I know others are on some level ashamed of me. At least, that's how it feels.
When I was little, everyone called me a girl. For me, it was like when any other little boy gets called a little girl, except, I understand. My body told you I was a girl. What I don't understand is why you couldn't see this child as a human being who needed to be recognized for who they were. I told many people I was a boy, none of them listened. Well, they all listened but they all laughed about it behind my back. I was "just a tomboy" I was dismissed. "It's just a phase". Well, fucker, a phase doesn't last from the age I started talking until I was trying to commit suicide as a teen.
Still, I'm not as mad as I probably should be. I can understand, in this area, everyone is ignorant of transgender issues, and there are a lot of "tomboys" who "grow out of it" or at least that's what has been seen in the past here. Maybe, at least a few of those "tomboys" were people like me who just gave up and didn't see a way to be who they really are so they stuff it down and just try to live their day to day.
There's a lot of things that happen to me where I understand why, so I can't get mad, but it still hurts. But these two things, in particular, have a tendency to weigh heavily on my mind. With all the people today who are screaming about "respect my pronouns". Listen kid, change takes time. And you can't ask anyone else to respect you if you can't understand where they're coming from and try to understand. So please quit getting your knickers in a twist, and calm the fuck down. Slow your roll a little bit, stop and listen to them too. Communication is a two-way street. If you're non-binary don't expect people to break the social norm just for you. If you look like a girl, people are going to call you one. If you look like a boy, people are going to call you one. That's just the way this life thing works. If you are secure in yourself, it might hurt a little, but it won't matter because the only thing that matters is if you love you. Try to stop worrying so much about the world. This is your only life and you're shortening it by getting your blood pressure up for something that you should be able to just brush off.
So yeah, sometimes, I'll just say, I understand. And what I'm really thinking is, "This hurts, but I understand and I value our friendship enough that I won't make a stink about it." Maybe this behavior is a little bit submissive, but here's the thing. We can't always be dominant, and we can't always be submissive, we have to choose our battles. I want to have friends, so I'm going to do my best not to alienate them, because I see the value of everyone, so as long as someone isn't outright abusive, I'd like to keep them as a friend.
I hope all the young trans people out there can learn to tolerate this world. It really is a beautiful place, but you have to understand the majority of people have no clue what it's like. They don't have a trans friend, but if you're an ass, they'll never have a trans friend, and they'll never learn to love someone who is different from them.
That doesn't change the fact that it hurts. To me, it says, I know I'll be ostracized too, and I can't risk that. Which I understand because in a little town like this our reputation can be everything. So if you love the area, then I can understand not wanting to be forced up uproot and go somewhere else. Please understand though, I'm stuck here, I'm pretty much destitute unless I find something that I can start making money with, to get me out of this area where I'm already blacklisted. Blacklisted because I'm real, and people here pretty much don't like that. The people in my hometown need the security of the hive mind. They need to know everyone is with them, we have very few free thinkers here but a lot of people who believe they are free thinkers. Sometimes you can't convince the songbird to see it's cage.
I wish I could help people to understand that the result of their action, the result of them only being my friend behind closed doors is this:
The people in this area get to remain comfortable in their ignorance and their hatred for people like me. They get to continue to believe that people like me have no place in their town. They get to believe that they are golden little saints and their way is right. They get to not be called out. The status quo gets to remain unchallenged and progress in this little place gets halted. So go ahead, I'm not going to hold it against you for not wanting to be seen publicly with me, but I also don't want you to be able to believe that I don't have a problem with it or that it's all hunky dory. It's not, it hurts, but I'm not mad at you all.
It hurts because, I'm a good person. It hurts because part of dealing with depression is not isolating ourselves, but it feels very isolating when you know someone you care about and would scream from the mountain top that you love them for exactly who they are,.. won't do the same for you in return. It hurts because, I just want to not feel ashamed of who I am, but I know others are on some level ashamed of me. At least, that's how it feels.
When I was little, everyone called me a girl. For me, it was like when any other little boy gets called a little girl, except, I understand. My body told you I was a girl. What I don't understand is why you couldn't see this child as a human being who needed to be recognized for who they were. I told many people I was a boy, none of them listened. Well, they all listened but they all laughed about it behind my back. I was "just a tomboy" I was dismissed. "It's just a phase". Well, fucker, a phase doesn't last from the age I started talking until I was trying to commit suicide as a teen.
Still, I'm not as mad as I probably should be. I can understand, in this area, everyone is ignorant of transgender issues, and there are a lot of "tomboys" who "grow out of it" or at least that's what has been seen in the past here. Maybe, at least a few of those "tomboys" were people like me who just gave up and didn't see a way to be who they really are so they stuff it down and just try to live their day to day.
There's a lot of things that happen to me where I understand why, so I can't get mad, but it still hurts. But these two things, in particular, have a tendency to weigh heavily on my mind. With all the people today who are screaming about "respect my pronouns". Listen kid, change takes time. And you can't ask anyone else to respect you if you can't understand where they're coming from and try to understand. So please quit getting your knickers in a twist, and calm the fuck down. Slow your roll a little bit, stop and listen to them too. Communication is a two-way street. If you're non-binary don't expect people to break the social norm just for you. If you look like a girl, people are going to call you one. If you look like a boy, people are going to call you one. That's just the way this life thing works. If you are secure in yourself, it might hurt a little, but it won't matter because the only thing that matters is if you love you. Try to stop worrying so much about the world. This is your only life and you're shortening it by getting your blood pressure up for something that you should be able to just brush off.
So yeah, sometimes, I'll just say, I understand. And what I'm really thinking is, "This hurts, but I understand and I value our friendship enough that I won't make a stink about it." Maybe this behavior is a little bit submissive, but here's the thing. We can't always be dominant, and we can't always be submissive, we have to choose our battles. I want to have friends, so I'm going to do my best not to alienate them, because I see the value of everyone, so as long as someone isn't outright abusive, I'd like to keep them as a friend.
I hope all the young trans people out there can learn to tolerate this world. It really is a beautiful place, but you have to understand the majority of people have no clue what it's like. They don't have a trans friend, but if you're an ass, they'll never have a trans friend, and they'll never learn to love someone who is different from them.
Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteThanks bro, you're very welcome.
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