Ramblings of an Appalachian Transman

If I quit attempting to communicate, I'm fairly certain people would just forget about me. My life feels so one sided, and I don't know that I can trust my brain, but it feels like if I didn't reach out and attempt to communicate that I would just be forgotten.  With extremely few exceptions, I have to be the first to interact with friends. And even then I get the feeling that they wish I would just stop commenting on their shallow meme's. I get the feeling that everyone else is content with just sharing a meme then not having a conversation surrounding that meme.  If I didn't have online communication, I'd have hardly any communication at all. I was told by a therapist that I needed to not isolate myself. At this point, I don't feel like I'm isolating myself. I try to communicate, and I just feel like everyone wishes I would just go away. I'm annoying, with my thoughts and attempts to interact. With my songs that nobody likes but me.  I don...

I awoke this morning to the devastating news that Chris Cornell, lead singer of Soundgarden committed suicide. Chris has played a role in my life since the early nineties. There are no words to describe really what I'm feeling at the moment. It's all too surreal.  Depression doesn't care who you are, how much you have in the bank, how much those around you love you. Depression is the worst thing imaginable. Depression is knowing rationally that others love and care about you, but not being able to feel their love yourself. It is a disconnect between what you know to be true and what you feel to be true. It steals your ability to appreciate things and to feel grateful. It lies to you.  We can try to explain away depression a thousand ways but all of that would be bullshit. At the end of the day, there are no reasons to be depressed. It's just depression, it is what it is and people who have never dealt with it cannot understand. It's not just feeling sad. In i...

In a perfect world, I could function properly. I wouldn't have everyone around me telling me that I'm not a man, and I wouldn't have those echoes in my brain. In a perfect world, people would just accept me for who I tell them I am.  In a perfect world, people would trust each other, especially when it came to matters of their own identities. In a perfect world, we wouldn't mock each other for being who we truly are. In a perfect world, we could celebrate these things.  In a perfect world, social pressures wouldn't drive me to suicidal thoughts. In a perfect world, we would realize that everyone has their own path and people are more like cats than cattle. In a perfect world, we would see more hugging on the news than people being blown up.  In a perfect world, kids with Williams Syndrome wouldn't have to be taught to be wary of strangers. We wouldn't have to teach the life lesson of mistrusting others. In a perfect world, you wouldn't need money t...

I've been seeing a lot of people saying they're "triggered" when in actuality, they have no idea what that word means. If something upsets you, it's not "triggering" you, it's simply upsetting you, learn to deal with your emotions and quit trying to police everyone else.  A true trigger is something that brings someone to their knees in a full on panic or anxiety attack. It is an involuntary response to a stimulus that cannot be controlled without help from a psychiatric professional. It is not something that merely offends you.  To continue using this word as for offenses taken rather than it's actual meaning is doing a disservice to people who truly do have a trigger and are trying to raise awareness to the fact that sometimes people have odd triggers.  I have my own triggers, I have a few that I've identified. I don't look to everyone else to tailor themselves for my comfort still. If they are a close friend, then they will ...

So in my search to try and figure out what is up with my brain. I stumbled upon a rare genetic condition called Williams Syndrome. I don't have it, it's a clear cut case either you have the gene deletion or you don't. I do share a lot of personality traits with people who have this genetic issue.  Williams Syndrome people are extremely compassionate and affectionate. They have to be reminded that not everyone is a friend. Internet safety is a big deal right now in the Williams community because these kids are entirely trusting.  Individuals with Williams share a love of music. I'm a complete audiophile. I could totally sit down and play music with these kids and have a great time. A lot of them are musically gifted and play instruments or sing.  The worst part about Williams Syndrome is that kids with Williams have physical health complications that range in severity. Some live near normal lives, others have problems with their organs. The most common is cardiovas...